manyhills's Blog

oh my, oh my, oh my! it's coming! X3

august 25, 2012; hopefully they screen it here too..

there are times when people lash out of anger/pain/hurt and they unknowingly hurt the person they're confiding to.. but you have to keep a straight face and refuse to lick your own wounds while they're still hurting with theirs. 

yes, friends do that.. :(

earlier today i went back to the Commission on Elections to have my last name corrected on their records (it was a stupid typo.. wtf). it's already hot and there were a lot of people and the place was kinda small so everybody looked like they were in an oven. so.. my story isn't about the incompetence of several government offices here but about a group of workers there..

so, i finished the paperwork and all other things they wanted me to do and i was ready to claim my uh.. claim.. stub (for the voter's ID). there was a group of workers there, two young men, a hairy middle aged one, and a young woman. the lady just got inside the room with a cross look on her face and the other two were all on her (the other young man was signing my stub). the space was too close not to overhear everything (says the guilty eavesdropper). she was angry because some store gave her old bills for change. i looked at the money she has on her hand. they were old (and dirty) 20-peso bills. the middle aged man was laughing hard.. he said, "bakit naman nila bibigyan ng lumang pera ang dalagang tulad mo? hindi bagay.." ("why would they give a lady like yourself old bills? it's not appropriate..")

i gave them this look: (O_o)?! (with a really high right eyebrow)

really? really?! a lady only deserves new bills?! where did that come from? well, that's their problem. geez.. *exasperated*

testing. just testing.                               

stomach's tolerance is getting better.. feels nice. :)



hm, this looks more like a diary entry. oh my graph, i'm dizzy..

why am i here again?

my friends aren't online.
the confessions is pretty damn boring.
the Q&A section's not really very interesting.
i kinda let slip that i'm a 25 -yo virgin with trust issues.
can't rhyme, can't draw, can't focus.
there's a wave of frustration that's about to hit me.


okay, here it is. goddammit. *logs out*

..... i want to be anonymous again..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImNJDiyZJ4Q&feature=related
 
   English Translation


    Lets go somewhere far away; the two of us
To find the new feelings we have for each other
If I'm with you we can get over any obstacles
Looking forward to a new tomorrow.



    Open your eyes and the door would open
To the world around you
Take your best friend to the world outside
And relive the childhood memories you had.



    I wanted to see you  but I couldn't
Just bottling up the feelings I have for you inside of me
Even though I'm walking alone
I cant stop thinking about  your smile.



    I'm standing right here, under the suns hot rays
But, more importantly, stay yourself.


    
The last piece of the puzzle
Even though it was close to me I looked past it
The way you were being nice to me
Now I can give you a direct answer.



    The songs we listened to still  stay in my ear
I'm not sad, and I'll keep it that way from now on.



    The bright** city filled with people
Letting the wind take me where it blows
The world around me
Looks different
Making my own rules.



    If this is my true feelings  I have,
Then I can go to where you are, without hesitation.




    Lets go somewhere far away, just the two of us
To find the new feelings we have for each other
If I'm with you we can get over any obstacles
Looking forward to a new tomorrow.

** ukare can mean alot of things...but I choose bright b/c it fits wit the song.

Transliterated by Kaze Yagami
http://www.geocities.com/lythtis.geo/ Translated by superretard9

****from animelyrics.com

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrgOuaob1pE

the vid is not mine. (and damn.. noscript doesn't allow me to embed)

and Ted says the darnedest things. :)

alright.. time to stalk my circle. :D

Filipino films and tv programs (of every genre) seem to have not developed for decades.. same lousy humor, same values, well not the same film techniques- that part improved, thank goodness.. same purposes (to fortify the oligarchs' hold on the middle and lower class). imagine.. DECADES.. you'd think we would've learned some things by then..

there are lots of new and critical works by the younger generation and their most efficient outlet is the internet (youtube). too bad.. the majority of Filipino viewers aren't frequent internet users. and for some reason, most of those works are too "high art"; too pretentious. witty commentaries by more popular critics (won't mention their names) are appreciated by the younger crowd.. but i think everyone's missing the point. "being cool".. that's what the audience wants. as long as they "get" the joke, they're "in". and that's it.

what's missing? it seems that making conservative films and tv shows is too controlling, while making challenging ones is too pretentious. what are we not getting here? the honest intent? maybe, maybe not.. lots of the young filmmakers i know are more concerned in their "art" than the possible implication of their craft. yes, they make use of every film theories they've learned but in the end, in the final cut, you can clearly see the intent. and it's not always that noble..

wait. i don't see anything wrong with not being selfless in one's work if that is what one truly wants.. i just wish they'd admit it. see the 'pretentious' part?

but then, there are works made to inspire change. and it's so easy to see that too. i commend those filmmakers.

to me, the most important thing that's missing is the wick. the fire is there.. everything is set, but the people aren't ready to accept change. and that sucks.

something i've learned today..

hm.. it seems i give people my trust and respect the first time we meet. to

others, the gesture makes me look gullible and naive. i don't dislike being

naive.. it's better than being cynical and being unable to trust. believe me, i

know how that is. like a double-edged sword, it hurts you too.

people are often surprised by the cheerfulness in my tone, especially on here.

can't help it, i just gave them my trust. however, as time goes by, we learn

things from each other. there are some who stab me in the back instead of

saying it to my face. there are some who take too much emotional toll that i

got nothing left for myself. blah blah blah.. you get the point. i lose trust

just as easily as i give it. some acquaintances become friends, but there are

only a handful that i genuinely keep. or should i say, there are only a handful

willing to keep me. i feel disposable sometimes. when people start feeling that

 the sweet outer coating isn't sweet to the core, hello trash bin for me. can

you blame me when i do the same to them? for the record, it hurts. does it hurt

them, too? not sure.


thirteen sentences on here, i've learned that i AM cynical and untrusting.. while

still being gullible and naive. so basically, this post is saying.. i'm

freakin' nuts (not in a good way).


another thing i've learned recently..

you can tell people how you feel. you can explain it in full detail so you

won't be misunderstood. you can even receive a reply, or a nod, or a yes.. or a

hug, or a kiss, or a ring, or make love (too fast?).. but it is so easy forget

that they may not care about it at all.


one other thing i've learned recently..

i'm selfish to some degree.. but i don't like that degree. it means "a lot,

really, hopelessly, unacceptably so."


more random stuff:

let me live. let me learn. it's a slow process but it teaches well.

let you live. let you learn. you can still ask me if you think i can help.

we're all very similar. do you notice it?

do you know what this means: n_n it's a smiley.

i use EP as a means of expressing myself.. not too many people want to listen

in the real world. so sorry if i come off as self-centered. that's because i

am.


if you dislike me, then stop talking to me. er.. before that, i'd appreciate it if you'd tell me why first. (true story; it happened)


argh!!!! there's something i cannot recall.. grrr.... what was that?!?!


AHA!! here it is.. i've been thinking.. why do people find it hard to get over

sadness? i've written something somewhere (it was luckypickle's story,

methinks) that Sadness is comforting. why? in my opinion, it is a way of

petting our own ego. dwelling on it makes us feel somewhat important and

valuable. other people can make us feel unappreciated, insignificant, and

worthless.. dwelling in sadness is making ourselves our center. something

worthy of our time and brain cells. we're someone worthy of our own tears.

that's why it's hard to take the next step. "my activation energy is too

high.." that's my usual line. truth is, i feel like letting go of my sad self

is like turning my attention elsewhere. outside, not myself.


what's my purpose on writing such stuff? if i understand it, then i can conquer

it. that's how i've dealt with suicidal thoughts before. but these are just my

opinions. i know the World is bigger than my thoughts can ever comprehend..

especially when the other senses don't open up too much.

~written: march 29, 2012 11:33 am~

earlier today (around 5-6 am) i dreamt of my own death.

it started with the dogs. my cousin has a dog with puppies which i worry about. everyone in the compound already has dogs, and i don't know who will have those young pups. so in my dream, i adopted one of them. walked him around the block so he won't end up like Sad, fed him milk through glass vials (yeah, weird, i know). he grew bigger and bigger and he turned out just like Sad. meh. bad parent. bad parent!!

oops.. there's this dream about *** (a close friend) and her cake before this too.. i was in a palatial school, where young boys hit on me. what the f- er.. (don't curse, don't curse) i ran to escape when i find *** in a library-ish room. it was raining (much like today) and she needs help on carrying her woman cake (it's shaped like a woman with a full skirt) to the terminal. had to hold an umbrella for her. in the terminal, i met my calculus professor. awkward.. because there was this thing before and.. nevermind. and so, she goes to ***** *** (neighborhood where i live). she had a party with her female friends (colleagues?) and i wasn't invited. then came the dream about the dogs..


these two adorably naughty dogs bark at and chase everyone. one of them even caught an alien in my living room. he, because he was a man in human form, had one huge eye, and pretty much looked like aliens as Hollywood depicted them. he was lying on our sofa, weak and tired when he took an interest in a birthmark (?) on the back of my left shoulder (i don't have any). he fiddled with his finger and said some things to my mom. predicted that i have diabetes and high cholesterol. he said, if you eat this, and this (cheeseburger and something) today, your blood sugar level and cholesterol level will skyrocket. then me being 'abducted ' into a cab. mom and some other people were panicking but the alien (now, in human form) said, "relax, they're taking her  to the hospital." how did i know this? because i was there with him. mom rushed to the hospital while i walked slowly with mr alien. we talked. then we arrived in an old, weird-looking 'hospital' which looked like my old school. and i mean "old". i rushed into a room and found my classmates there, distressed. my mom crying over the bed. i was dead. mr alien said so. but there on the bed is me, with the face of my mom, pale and dead-looking. i said, "no, i'm still breathing," as my chest is rising and falling.. mr alien shook his head and said, "sorry, but you died." i was crying, embraced mr alien and said sorry over and over again. i went to my mother, saying i'm sorry for.. (not being able to do anything for you)

i woke up. was about to cry...

sittingintraffic's post about her dream (the woman eating placenta... erm. yeah) reminded me of a striking dream i had a few nights ago. in my dream, i was with a man (can't remember who or what he was) and he's showing a snake to me. i gently took the snake from him.. careful not to get bitten, but it bit me anyways. of course it surprised me. but i did not feel the pain; did not jerk the snake off. so the snake 'walked' its fangs on my arm. i had about six puncture wounds on my arm when it let me go.

did i kill it? no. in my dream (and even in real life) i know that snakes do not bite out of malice.. that what happened was natural and there's no reason for me to kill it. snakes are beautiful animals (i REALLY want to handle some in local zoos but in the few times i've visited, none of the pythons were allowed to be petted).

i was so intrigued by the weird dream that i searched online the possible meanings.. by the way, yes, i believe that dreams are important. they are part of our unconscious.. the unrestricted language of the human psyche. getting back to the point, snake bites may be a warning of unresolved personal issues, or a literal traitor, or suppressed sensuality (because snakes are, quite obviously, phallic symbols). all three made sense, to be honest.

unresolved personal issues.. i just figured out a way to get out of my mental and emotional slump.. admitted some things that my pride refused to swallow. now that they've been addressed, the near future seems to be clear. :)

a traitor. well.. i don't like being suspicious (but that's me, naturally), but i'm not stupid either. god, it hurts me when people think that i am (not very humble, are we?). i know it already, and i've put up the line of defense necessary. still friendly.. am i being a hypocrite? some memories still hurt, but i don't let them affect me much nowadays. afterall, they are just those.. memories, nothing more. maybe that's what the "walking its fangs" mean. i still let things slide, BUT the pain expected from them, i don't feel it anymore.

oh, and if i did not kill that snake, believe me, my love for some humans is MUCH LESS.. so.. just sayin'.

suppressed sensuality. hm.. O.O yeah.. well it's a secret. :) it's not something i'm comfortable spewing out for everybody to read. and i'm one of those people who have love and lust permanently hooked together so.. what? there's nothing more to write!

ah damn.. i really want a pet snake now.. or visit the zoo this week? hm..

~written march 26, 2012.. 3:24pm manila time~

(Red Hot Chili Peppers) Scar Tissue
Scar tissue that I wish you saw.
Sarcastic Mr. Know-It-All.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause with the birds I'll share.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.

Push me up,
Against the wall.
Young Kentucky girl in a push-up bra.
Falling all,
Over myself to lick your heart and taste your health 'cause.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view.

Blood loss in a bathroom stall;
A Southern girl with a Scarlett drawl,
Wave goodbye to Ma and Pa 'cause with the birds I'll share.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.

Soft spoken with a broken jaw;
Step outside but not to brawl.
And autumn's sweet;
We call it "fall".
I'll make it to the moon if i have to crawl
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw.
Sarcastic Mr. Know-It-All.
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause with the birds I'll share.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view yeah.
With the birds I'll share this lonely view....

[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/red+hot+chili+peppers/scar+tissue_20114748.html

Thanks for the link, Hurl. :)

i won't be on here for a while.. mornings aren't free anymore, and there's my paper that i need to finish soon. :( see you after a couple of weeks. 

it was kinda disturbing how my brain keeps on diverting to EP thoughts while i'm on the library.. "did i tell this EP friend that i'll be gone for a while???" 
"is the confessions board having a fun night??"
"i want to log in right now..."

so... see you after this and some other things get sorted out. will drop once in a while. :) have a great day. *hugs*

there is this one vision i usually see..


a hallway.. a very long and tall hallway, like what you see in castles. a solid yellowish wall on the left, and tall pillars and arches on the right.. the end is another wall, but it's so far away.

i see myself walking towards the walled end.. just following myself; my back turned on me.

then a large empty room. empty.. yet grand. i am sitting on the floor, with my head on my knees. sleeping? thinking?

there is an egg in the center of the room.. it's big as an ostrich's, perched in a black, spindly stand. the egg is glowing in pulses.. i am waiting for the moment when it breaks.


........... i typed everything with my eyes closed.. NOT. :)

this was an exercise in our photography class.. our professor invited his friend (a local digital photographer) and they instructed us to close our eyes and watch a story unfold. unfortunately, mine wasn't a story. :/ since then, i always see this vision when i do close my eyes and think of nothing.. anyways, you should try it sometimes. :) write everything down afterwards.. i think you can somehow know yourself with the vision you will see.

there's this new product commercial on tv.. it's something you mix with regular rice, cook them together, so the resulting steamed rice is white, fluffy, and fragrant. i forgot the brand name, but basically, it's rice's magic buddy.

it's seriously f*cked up in my opinion..why not improve the quality of the grains instead of masking the weird taste of low quality rice? another temporary solution to a serious problem..

i feel strong right now.

... and i missed feeling this way. like there is no need to hold on to others' hands to feel complete. it feels like my self-esteem rose up tenfold today (which isn't really that much, but still).. no idea how the hell that happened, but it did.


it feels like a new spine grew inside.

now that sounds weird, but i've always wanted a sturdier one. people are used to throwing me around like a rag because i just let them. people are used to getting what they want from me because they can read me like an open book. i value honesty. highly. but many are cruel. AND.. i find it unfair. unfair that i show my heart all around but unconsciously (which is in my consciousness now), i have no plans of giving everything away.


i see things clearly right now.

there is no fog in my thoughts.. that's highly unusual, and i've never felt like this for years. fifteen years? yep, that's a good estimate. reasons.. i know most of them but i'm not ready to share them here. not when i don't feel anonymous anymore..


i wish.. i wish this is a lasting state. looking at the image of my pathetic self is uncomfortable..

i think.. pain usually comes with change.